| revisiting verses |
[Jul. 20th, 2008|12:56 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | poem | ] |
| [ | Current Tea: |
| | iced | ] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | the new sigur ros | ] |
so, this is something i wrote last year, and i came across it and felt like it sort of applied to me still, now.
so much energy
i'm so good at forgetting what i'm feeling now
so good at forgetting for the sake of savor
the warmaliveclosemoving nightnightnight so many people
so easy to get lost
so easy
and it's sunrise, i'm still awake
my feet hurt like hell
my heart hurts like hell
like a bad hangover
everyone in my house is still
i can creep into the kitchen
to vent while my tea is steeping
...my thoughts
the beginning and the end
i can see it and i ignore it
it's so easy to get lost
when something
from me
reaches out
and clings
reels me closer
with each fumbling step
as if my feet were raw
from all the walking
before waking
as if i was drunken
without drinking
riding on a feeling
so good at forgetting the crash
why does my heart move so fast? |
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| NEPAL (finally)! |
[Jun. 19th, 2008|04:09 am] |
After many inquiries and some much needed rest (though I am still sick and trying to detox all that residual pollution from my system), here is the "Nepal" post:
For those of you who don't know, I spent a month in Nepal doing documentary photography work. I stayed at a children's home in Gouldhunga, just outside Kathmandu. I journaled while I was there, and went through alot emotionally, mentally, & spiritually, which I will try my best to communicate here. They cyber cafes have really slow connections and keyboards that can be frustrating to type on, or I would have updated while I was there.
I arrived in Delhi and was met by my good friend, Zach, who had been in Nepal over the semester teaching English to children and monks at a monastary. He showed me around the "Main Bazaar" area, where our hotel was. I enjoyed 10 cent samosas and a plethora of things to photograph. I was immersed. Everything I saw I wanted to photograph, so much so that I was completely open and uninhibited when it came to approaching people for photos. Unlike I ever have been in my life. I think this intensification of environment made for my own intensification of duty. The documentary photographer latent within me popped out and took over. There was much less anxiety. And photography has always done that for me: helped me communicate to people and bring me out of my shell, but here it was much more intense. The communication factor was also amplified by the communication barrier I faced. But more on that later.
Zach and I went to the lotus temple the next morning, which was beautiful. I was glad to have had the opportunity to see it. We walked around a little more, came upon a Jadist Temple which we visited. There were some kids there who really enjoyed me taking their photos. Went to a travel agency to get me on a bus to Kathmandu. The ticket I bought was for a 24-hour direct bus there. There was also a local bus which was cheaper and longer, but I was advised multiple times not to take it. It left that afternoon, so we quickly got the last of our things taken care of and I was taken to where the bus was, which was an little ways away. There were only two other tourists on the bus; two Russian women, a mother and daughter. We were all in the back. The bus ride was very bumpy and at one point I even hit my head on the ceiling (being in the back surely contributed to this). There were many stretches of construction areas and small dirt roads that were very poorly maintained. Sidenote: The drivers there are just scary. little attention is paid to pedestrians or to the road lines. The bus only stopped three times a day for meals, which were all right. Once there was a restaurant where we could pick what we wanted, every other time, the places we stopped had a set meal set which consisted of rice, dal, and curried vegetables, which is the standard Nepali "home meal". All restrooms were latrine-style. Much thanks go out to Charmin-on-the-go. After more than 24 hours had gone by I grew more weary. Was the bus running behind? We had just reached the Nepal/India border... how much further was the city? Each stop I hoped was the last. Gradually people started to get off, the bus stopped more frequently. after 30+ hours had passed, I deduced that they had put me on the dreaded "local" bus instead of the bus I paid for. After 38 hours we finally arrived in Kathmandu, where Biplav, who helps manage NECO Home (the children's home) picked me up.
First of all, the kids there were great. I really enjoyed getting to know them. They all go to English-medium schools, so I was able to help them with their English and math homework. I also rented a guitar and taught them songs (such as "you are my sunshine" , the "Hawaiian Unity Song" and the "monkeys on a bed" song, which they thought was alot of fun). Over my time there I got to know them and remembered all of their names (which is harder than it sounds, as their names were mostly all Nepali). They were very interested in the guitar, I showed them how I played it. They also liked to listen to songs on my iPod (I played them a variety of tunes, including Sigur Ros, Blonde Redhead, Mum, The Postal Service, Radiohead, CocoRosie & Regina Spektor. They all took turns with the headphones). I made them a variety of treats, though it was difficult to fine all of the necessary ingredients (vanilla for example, and old-fashioned oats were both nowhere to be found). I was able to make rice-krispie treats, dutch apples (butter & cinnamon fried, I also did this with mangos and bananas), and I attempted to make cookies & a fruit crisp, but the oven was broken and did not get fixed before my departure.
The countryside of Gouldhunga was very beautiful. I had a great view of the valley, mountains and city. At night, while coming up the winding road and overlooking the city at night reminded me of the downtown stretch of lakeshore drive at night, when you look out over the river at all the buildings. The city itself was another matter. It was extremely dirty (partially due to a garbage strike) and extremely polluted. There is little to no policing of environmental laws or ordinances. People just thrown trash where ever they want. usually it collects in large piles, but people will take bags of garbage and dump them over the bridge into the river. In the middle of the day. As can be expected, the river is also very polluted. It actually inspired me to write a new song, which will be posted here as soon as it is recorded. Speaking of recording, I also brought a sony mini-disc recorder with me and sampled the sounds of the city, a Buddhist festival, the monsoon season rain and the children singing with me.
While there I got in touch with a local Bahai film-maker, named Grady, whose father was in the Peace Corps, so he had lived most of his life in Nepal and knew both Nepali and English. The projects he's working on deal with the Bhutan refugee situation there. My mother told me about a program on NPR that focused on an NGO in Nepal that helped keep young girls from being sold into servitude/slavery, and recommended that I get a hold of them to see if they could use a free photo-shoot of their facilities. So, I did and got in touch with someone very quickly. Two days later I was taking a tour of their nutrition center, two children's homes and a school for the deaf, which had a special department for deafblind children. It was all a very good experience. I also got to meet up with a friend of Zach's, Anita, who is from Nepal but had studied environmental studies in both America and Japan. One of her friends from her grad school in Japan, Ania, was staying with her at the time, and the three of us had lunch together. Turns out Ania was in Nepal to document the story of a team of women who had just climbed Mt. Everest. These women had previously many barriers to climbing the mountain, mostly due to their heritage/caste. But they had now succeeded and recently just returned to the base camp. While at the base camp, Ania also learned about how global warming is affecting the small valley areas near the mountains, and also how the snow is slowly disappearing from the Himalayas, which poses a threat to Nepal's tourism industry. Turns out Anita is co-founder of a children's home for girls, so we visited there and I photographed some of the kids. I really enjoyed making the new friends.
I had a great deal of sudden separation anxiety the night before I left. Ama (what the kids called the grandmother of Biplav's kids, who pretty much kept up the house and kitchen) was so sweet, and such a strong motherly mother, that I felt like I was leaving my own mother or grandmother behind. There was much that overwhelmed me, alot having to do with just the sheer amount that i felt I had changed and recalling the people and circumstances I had been affected by. Being in a country that is so poor, and living with all of their "inconveniences", is nothing but humbling. There are moments when I forgot where I was and got irritated at some things, but it made it all the more affecting when I realized again, that my problems are so small. Many times there i felt selfish and small. But I got through it and have emerged as someone much more detached and mindful. There is SO much we take for granted here. And still there are some things there that I miss. Ama made me tea every morning. The view from the roof of the home was just completely enveloping.
Overall, the experience was very dynamic. It was at once humbling and empowering. I feel like a career in documentary photography is something, that with more hard work, I can attain. I really learned so much about how to effectively integrate myself into a local community and how to focus on a story as opposed to just capturing an individual, not that I was light on the portraits by any means. Internally I was also able to figure out the best way for me to de-stress my life: basically I just view my head as a room that is messy and by moving my thoughts into the right outlets or into another channel of thinking, I can clear up the clutter and be much more level-headed and focused. Any stressful emotional overspill gets moved into the arena of music, so that when I'm not playing or listening to music, it does not exist in me. My worries about school and studying are now tied directly to my worries of not accomplishing what I was meant to accomplish in my life, so that now instead of worrying about them both, the latter motivates the former. Im going to be more disciplined about budgeting to ease any financial stresses. Those are the big ones, but just having these goals is not enough. I have tried to do things like this similarly in the past, but gave myself too much credit for being able to maintain the thought processes. In order to keep this working for me I need to meditate at the end of each day and clear up and excess clutter from my mind, which I have been doing. So far this has helped me quite a bit.
I will start calling people this weekend. I am still a bit sick though, and my sleep schedule is still off, so I may not get to everyone. But know that I love you all and look forward to sharing the photos and stories of the trip. I will post a few more to flickr today!!!
Note: I am also really sick of airplanes and might just take the Megabus to Kansas this coming August... |
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| a little story from Koyasan... |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|11:28 pm] |
So, as promised, after much delay, here is an excerpt from my journal about this photo:
"...the highlight for me, during the morning walk to the temple, was an old woman i met on the path. She was with her family, a granddaughter and the girl's parents. I don't remember if they were catching up to us or if we were catching up to them, but I was taking a photo of a beautiful tree when she took notice and said something to me in Japanese, pausing and holding her hand up as if gesturing to to all of the life in the forest. At first I was afraid she might have been kindly telling me to me not to photograph the sacred forest, but David overheard and continued to listen and talk to her. I smiled warmly to her. Her eyes were so peaceful and bright. How she spoke was sweet and loving. After saying our formal goodbyes, I asked David what she had said. He replied that he loved how she worded things. That she had said to me 'Oh, you're taking pictures! It's wonderful you can see so much beauty. I hope you keep taking pictures.'
me: .....
I felt honored to receive such kind words from such a beautiful soul. I was overwhelmed with tranquility.
And she continued, speaking to both of us; 'Isn't it wonderful that it is so quiet and cool, and that nobody is here?' (we had trekked there at an earlier hour than did the tour groups). David talked to her about why he was in Japan and how beautiful the forest was. She replied, 'It sure is wonderful to be here when it is so quiet and cool. Oh, it is so wonderful that you're teaching our children. They must be very happy'."
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[Apr. 7th, 2008|06:19 pm] |
Hey, all, my STORE is now updated so that you can purchase matted photo prints. The proceeds are going directly to Nepal-related expenses. For those of you who are unaware, I am going to be in Nepal working at an orphanage form May 13th-June 17th. In addition to being motivated by my love for children, I am also going to beef up my photo documentary experience. So, if you've always been wanting a print of mine, or need to fill some wall space while simultaneously supporting my documentary efforts, now's your chance!
Peace! |
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| Soundtrack |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|10:59 pm] |
I just finished this video for my Time-Based Visual Arts class. I like it alot.
Here is my video
The assignment was to create a visual portrait of something. My portrait was more abstract as I chose to do a portrait of my imagination.
The music is a crucial element, and it is more effective if you wear headphones (oriented the right way) or if you have good stereo speakers.
Enjoy! |
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| So what did I accomplish last semester? |
[Jan. 21st, 2008|03:59 pm] |
As promised, I'm going to start posting projects from my Fall '08 semester at UIC:
GWS224: Gender & Society:
Paper 1: "Girls Rock! ...Or Do We?"
Our first assignment was to find an object/product and explain how it was differently marketed or designed to cater to a specific gender. I chose guitars.
Paper 2: "Water"
For our second paper, we chose a movie from a list (I got permission to do a movie that wasn't on the list) and analyze it in terms of gender valuing and gender construction.
LING160: Language & Society:
Discourse Analysis: Latrinalia
For this we worked in pairs, and my partner suggested we do graffiti and latrinalia. She's a cool gal. Our paper was pretty awesome.
Final Paper: American Slang Evolution From the Early 1900s-1940s
We got to chose the topic of our final paper. I always thought the slang I heard in all my 20s-40s blues and jazz songs was really cool, so I chose that as part of my project.
NEXT POST: My Sculpture Projects!! |
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[Dec. 19th, 2007|01:08 am] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | sigur ros's new double ep | ] |
Hadn't done one of these in five years. I stayed up all night conceiving, starting, and finishing it. A nice way to vent emotional frustration... though the circumstances leading me to this piece of work were child's play compared to the first one I did. That one was an intense creative excursion. But here's this one:
That, and I will be in Kansas later today! Yay! |
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| Gristle McThornbody! Big McLargeHuge! |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|10:49 am] |
Since everyone's posting funnies, here's is another classic:
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[Nov. 28th, 2007|12:01 am] |
| [ | Current Tea: |
| | sweet dreams | ] |
| [ | How ARE you? |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | hum of computer | ] |
Classes.
Going well.
Soon I will post pictures of all my projects and pdfs of some of my better papers.
Right now, i have a new toy, a gift from a friend:
If anyone has any good ideas for a name, I'm at a loss as of yet. My current guitar is named Beulah. For the new one, I'm considering Coily (the spring sprite), Chan (as in Marshall), or Kim (not Gordon, cause she plays bass and this lovely isn't a bass. Kim from Death Proof.)
...and a new song i just finished mixing this week:
All Fires (swan lake)
It's a cover of a Swan Lake song (not to be confused with The Swans). The original version is on my latest mp3 playlist (see link above). Currently, It does sound better with headphones or non-crappy speakers.
...and most importantly, many of you know that Beulah & I will be home for 2.5 weeks over the Christmas/New Year holiday. Yay! Much rifftracking is in order. |
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| now you know... this is what it feels like. |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|02:53 am] |
| [ | Current Tea: |
| | homemade chai | ] |
| [ | How ARE you? |
| | somewhat frustrated | ] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | download it | ] |
2nd story window:
How I can lean out and breathe, how i can
breathe in a scream as i feel so buried in the
forces around me that want to subdue this
purity i'm trying to keep and how i breathe in
and still... and still... my song seems lost in
all their noise.
2nd Story Window Improv
(to download: option-click for Mac; right-click & "save target as" for PC)
I composed this piece just now, tonight. With the poem, I feel like it's pretty self explaintory. I'm not intensly sad or anything... i just had to get this out. I'm certain that it sounds best with headphones.
There is another song I've also recently finished, it encapsulates a completely different feeling altogether. that song will be up fairly soon. |
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[Sep. 15th, 2007|12:02 am] |
| [ | How ARE you? |
| | i miss alot of people | ] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | a nostalgic mix i'm making right now | ] |
So: my JAPAN photos are now all on flickr, and I have updated my mp3 blog as well. Both are linked above, so check them out when you have the time. Also, the new Angels of Light CD is supposed to be grand, so maybe find yourself procuring it somehow.
I've been very nostalgic lately. This is probably my favorite time of year. The last week of summer and the first week of autumn. I'm remembering autumn leaf hunting with Jamesie on Mass St. in Lawrence, our trip to St. Louis to see Tori, where we met Justyn... alot of things from Highland, but nothing too specific, just a feeling of timetravel... doing LeAnna's photos at the cemeteries... man, i wish i could remember more... there's also a little bit of nostalgia from my adriftness this time last year... what is it that pulls us back like that? there's just something unique about the smell in the air and the temperature. Some people hate winter, but if it means i get a cycle of nostalgia that corresponds with my changing surroundings, I'll take it. There's something magical, I think, about the idea that just being in a climate that changes like mine does, can affect my thoughts and memories that way, how just the smell of the air, a smell that may really occur only a handful of times in a year, can bring up feelings from when i've breathed it in before. It's like i'm intertwined with this latitude almost. If I moved to the tropics would I have the same feelings come up? If the air never brought back those feelings, would they just be further and further buried until who knows when? Whatever the case, I really am fond of taking these moments during these handful of days... just remembering.
noteworthy tracks that are nostalgic:
Wild As The Wind (Cat Power)
Hoarfrost (Sonic Youth)
Street Spirit (Radiohead)
Ice Water (Cat Power)*
The Entire "Out Of Season" album by Beth Gibbons - perfect autumn songs
Needle In The Hay (Elliot Smith)
I Hate People (Paul/Hands Away)
Breathe (Telepopmusik)
Rain Song (Sunny Day Real Estate)
Never Seen Blue (Tori Amos)
Enjoy The Silence (Tori Amos)
For Wanda (A Silver Mt. Zion)*
Immature (Bjork)
Another Space Song (Failure)
All Is Not Lost (Paul/Hands Away)
Not What You Want (Cat Power)*
*waiver: not for the light of heart |
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| I'M OKAY!! |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|09:20 am] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | Icky Thump | ] |
So, I don't have any pictures developed yet, but I think David will post some of his photos here in a couple of days, if he hasn't already. We made it here okay, I have already visited the best of Niihama, and climbed Mt. Ishizuchi (the tallest mountain in West Japan). It's big. the part I climbed was about 4 kilometers of a combination of climbing wooden stairs & rocks and then twice we got to climb rock-wall style using these huge chains. That was the most fun. It was raining by the time we got up that high (the chains are about the last step to the top. I will post entries from the journal i'm keeping right now. Probably not until I get back, but they are much more detailed and vivid. I am loving being here, though. I've already met lots of cool people. We're going to the Awa Odori festival today (death festival). It's the biggest festival in Japan, and the 5th largest festival in the world.
Also, what i've heard, so far, of the new Smashing Pumpkins is AWESOME (the first three tracks of the new album)
Love you all! |
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| My Favorite Photographs |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|11:10 pm] |
| [ | How ARE you? |
| |  ready for the end of the week | ] |
A new friend asked me, as a photographer, a question last week, that no one had asked me before. She asked me what my favorite photograph was, that i had ever taken. I drew a blank. I had never though on that before. It was quite a surprise to me that i couldn't think of a single photograph which immediately came to mind as my 'favorite'. That's one of those things that i feel i should know, for some reason. I see her every week, so I told her that i'd bring the photo next week, to give me some time to think about it. So, i decide that the best place for me to look would be my wall, since it is already plastered with photos of my friends & family. photos i love. many being taken by myself. And there i found it. The closest thing to my favorite photo, the favorite one from the wall at least. For this post, i decided to put up a couple more. so here they are, in no particular order:
1. hannah & hannah
2. rusty on the waterfront
3. grandma amy
4. jamesie in the dandelions
5. thompson family
6. beggar in queretaro, mexico, eating a granola bar i gave him.
This also brings into my mind, how often photography is present during the most memorable times in my life, namely the pic up there of Jameise in the grass. It was from a day when he visited Mavis & I in Highland. It was the only sunny day of the week and i went around the town with my pinhole camera and together we made some amazing images. I felt like he was the reason the sun was shining. All of our spirits were uplifted that afternoon. And the photo of the beggar... all of Mexico was a pinnacle point for me as a photographer.
And then there was the time during the California roadtrip Mavis and I took, where we were driving back and stopped in the middle of the night in the desert and just sat on the car and talked and watched the stars. SO many stars. More stars than I have ever seen in my whole life. It was worth the whole trip. It was just before "Scarlet's Walk" came out and I Polaroid-dumented the whole trip. Not to mention all the photos I've taken on Rock-a-bye Island, and endless memories.
Another great day was when Andrew, Lindsey, Chadwick and myself all had our cameras and went all around southern Chicago and came back up the lakecoast. We all took photos of each other taking photos of each other. We wandered. We explored. We talked. We silently appreciated moments. We let our guards down. We walked down a long pier and looked at the lake and the skyline. It was just an amazing day.
And the day Jamesie and I had our picnic in the grass by his apartment. Photos were taken. And the day that Krista found out that her brother had died, and we went to a park, pictures were taken and spirits were uplifted. My first shoot with Shilpa, how we made a suburb park look like a tropical jungle. Anthony and I getting chased off of someone's property, just after finishing a picnic. (it was such a pretty spot though... we took some polaroids). Zach and I getting caught and being chased down the street after a photoshoot in an abandoned house, luckily i knew the backroads and got us safely away. The weekend I truly got over my first (and longest) crush four years ago ended with a humble, cathardic photoshoot.
And of course last fourth of July; the BBQ at the Bowler Haus & the pictures... And the slew of photographs from everyone who was there the day i took Kiyomi's headshots... And the night the park was closed, and the little videos Jinous took, and making fun of the James Blunt song: "The park is closed... The park is closed, it's true..." And, of course, Ruhi in the woods. Photos from retreats. The walk through Lawrence's Wetlands on a scortching day with David and newly friended Michael (it was the only day i got to see David last year). The Brothers Thornton excursion to Chicago and how my head about exploded with the sheer presence of such Thortony love. And photos of it all.
And I know there's stuff I'm missing.
Aaaaaaah... I love my family. I love my friends. I love photography. |
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| of music |
[May. 8th, 2007|01:49 am] |
| [ | Current Tea: |
| | strawberry caramel rooibos | ] |
| [ | How ARE you? |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Sounds Like... |
| | elliot smith, amelie soundtrack, and ok computer | ] |
So, i'm currently and irresponsibly distracting myself at the moment... by the internet's venus flytrap allure. One thing i thought i'd like to post about is my guitar playing abilities. they have improved over the past few months. many weeks have gone by where i played every day for an hour or more, many weeks went by where i played nothing at all, but my musical intuition and desire to play songs that i liked (and knew the chords to), managed to work to my advantage. Before purchasing my guitar, i could only play one song really, Cat Power's "wealthy man" from the album "myra lee". Upon getting a roommate with a guitar, i taught myself to play a song a friend of mine wrote, called "all is not lost" it's a fingered piece, not a strummed piece. i had that one by ear. then a few months later i wrote my first song on guitar; yes it was in the minimalist style of Chan Marshall (Cat Power), so it was easy to play, but despite the simplicity, i'm really proud of the song itself... lyrically it's more complex. That's basically when i decided to buy myself a guitar. I got a guitar lesson for my birthday from my mom (meaning she paid for, she didn't give me the lesson). her friend has a son who teaches lessons, so i called him and asked him if he could teach me how to read tabs, and if he could show me with Radiohead songs. He happily obliged, and that's how i transitioned into the correct way to play chords and read tabs. Since then i've been continually adding to my repitoire, and they've been getting more complicated too, so what this paragraph is leading up to is this list of songs i can now play on the guitar! i'm going to visit for memorial day and would gladly play any of them for you. I will also take requests at this time, if you took the time to get all the way to this sentance.
songs i can play on guitar (in the order i learnt them):
Wealthy Man ~Cat Power
All Is Not Lost ~Hands Away
And Your Name Is All Over This Song ~Me
Back Of Your Head ~Cat Power
Karma Police ~Radiohead
Let Down ~Radiohead
Jesus, The Mexican Boy ~Iron & Wine
Push & Pull ~Nikka Costa
A Sorta Fairytale ~Tori Amos
Sweet Song For A Blue J. ~Me
King's Crossing ~Elliot Smith (i'm completely addicted to this song right now) |
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| Transcending Transplantedness: input needed |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|12:19 am] |
*Note: I'm just processing all of my observations and experiences. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.*
So, a few instances this past few weeks/months have forced me to really wrap my head around how i perceive friendships and how trans-city social culture differences are present even in a "small circle" niche. I'll explain:
First, i've been able to draw a clear picture in my head of what the defining moments and characteristics of my friends and family back home are. The one that stands out the most is: We will willingly and happily drive long distances to each other (when i say "long-distances" i'm referring to a time-frame of 30 minutes to two hours). We will willingly and happily assist each other in times of need and when stranded. Because of this, we don't feel imposing at all when calling each other to ask for help. It's part of how our friendships shine. being able to know you were there for a friend. No second thought about it. They'd do anything for me, I'd do anything for them. And we both know it. One of the best feelings i ever got from a friendship was when James called me at 4am and asked me to go with him to Emporia (90 minutes away) to put roses on his boyfriend's car, cause they just had an argument over the phone. It was how i expressed my love for him. It was how i could show him that all he had to do was ask and i was there. It was a great fucking feeling. Another friend of mine moved to Kansas from Illinois after meeting me and James only once at a Tori concert in St. Louis, and corresponding with me via email. He told me later that it was because of how unconditional he saw me & James's friendship was.
Probably the greatest influence I've had in this regard, is my mother. No matter how ridiculously i screwed myself over in any given transportation situation, she was always there, and while on occasion she was justifiably annoyed, she was happy to do it. She drove 45 miles to give me gas money, when i accidentally put more gas in my tank than i could afford. She drove 3 hours to pick me up in Missouri when my car died on the way back from my 6 weeks studying ruhi in Indiana. Not all moms do that. It surprised me, the first time i saw someone else's mom near unwilling to do the same thing and then be infuriated about the whole task.
Friends at work readily give each other rides home from work. All around me, this idea that transportation was never considered an obstacle. Ironic that none of my friends or family has ever really had reliable vehicles. We never knew whose car was going to go to the shop next. And if ever a newer car was obtained, oh, the excitement! Rides were offered aplenty, at every possible situation. The better-than-average vehicle got the next big concert road trip to St. Louis or Denver or Chicago, (as our favorite bands almost never played Kansas City). Such was the standard. That was the 'normal' where I came from.
Now, presently, I reside in a big city, and upon first moving here, there were a number of my friends nearby. People are over at my house a few times a month so acquaintances and friendships form. It feels sincere. After one year passes, i consider many of these friendships to be at the same level as that of my friends back home. However, there has been a shift in these past few months. mostly due to northward migrations and two of the more social roommies of mine moving out, leaving a bit of a void here at the bowler house (i miss you guys alot, just so you know).
Four months later, after no longer having "a-list" roommates with cars, I rarely get invited to things and I rarely get offered transportation. The open mike is pretty much my only time to see people. Now, I'm not bringing this up for selfish reasons, or for people to feel like they have a duty to concede to such whims. I know that I work alot and am not as geographically accessible. I know everyone is busy in their own lives. I'm just explaining how these observations are forcing me to deal with the idea that in other social cultures, the concept of transportation could be radically different even to the point that it hinders friendships instead of cementing them. This blog-entry alone, is testimony to my faith in my friends up here. The idea that I'm only a friend out of convenience is too out of my scope to even fathom, so I'm convinced that it has to be the social culture differences. Recently, I've gotten the vibe that interdependency isn't as cultivated as independence. everyone pretty much has everything they need close by. If a car breaks down, there's a train nearby. When driving isn't necessary to be with your friends, it no longer translates into an expression of friendship. With that in mind, I know I just need to detach a bit from what I'm used to.
... and then part of me wonders if it's because my friends up here don't know I love them and would do anything for them.
I would do anything for you guys. ANYTHING.
I need input. Tell me how friendships work up here. What constitutes the defining moments? how do you show each other the lengths you would go for one another? Have you ever felt this way in a different city? I'm asking this with complete sincerity. I want to figure this out without feeling like my heart is breaking.
love,
Lauren |
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| vanna, let's see what she's won!! |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|10:39 pm] |
So, i have decided, more or less, how i'm going to hone my photography skills.
I was contemplating this around my birthday, and it was one of those contemplations where you're thinking "gosh, what in my life have i really done to help the world?", ever thought that? sure you have, if you haven't you should. Not to imply that i feel like i've done nothing, just so you know.
I've always had a headful of photography career ideas, all of which i've been completely convinced that if i just applied myself, i'd be successful in. However, i hadn't planned the actual application and process of getting to a place where embarking on said careers was possible. So, with all of that in mind, i thought long and hard, knowing that i needed a focus if i was to do more than generally aspire towards something great. i knew that i ultimately use photography as a means of communication and/or meditation, depending on the subject matter. i also know that i want to use my photography to help people and to show people the world as i see it. to show people how i see them and how i see other people. Considering all of this, what did i conclude?
That my short-term goal will be still be to go to school for photography and develop a more focused portfolio. It's application will be in the area of documentary work combined with economic development. Also i want to speak fluent spanish.
Where will i go with this? What will i do? Ultimately, i'd like to work with economic development teams, documenting the 'before' in an attempt to help appeal for whatever aid is is that they require. Also, i want to help with orphanage efforts in queretaro, mexico, where the percentage of impoverished children is mind-blowing. I don't know if there is any effort at the moment, but there should be.
So, yes, lofty as it sounds, it's what i want to do. At least part of the time. I'm not going to up & vanish on all of you.
love, peace,
lau |
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| "...and now i know it..." |
[Jan. 19th, 2007|11:35 pm] |
so my new icon represents the way i have felt for the past two weeks. To sum it up, i worked both weeks and also over the weekend connecting them. 12 days. The person i worked with last saturday and sunday is not an easy person to work with. enough said. I worked anywhere from 9 to 11 hour days and would come home to wind down to episodes of 'the office' while working on my website. So, I didn't even realize until yesterday that because of this work situation, i have had no time to think. and it all hit me at once. the build-up. feeling mentally claustriphobic for some reason. side-tracking me enough not to notice some vulnerability in regards to the simplest of emotions. catching me off guard but wanting to stay in those unguarded moments. a clear relief to the watercolor mottle of everything else clogging me up. bleh. i'm still unwinding. distracting myself yet again via internet. even right now. as i'm typing. I was just about to do more on my website. only a few more steps to completion. why am i putting these things in my way? two nights ago, i got home at 11pm, only to go to the kitchen and make an elaborate white korma soup as well as a batch of cookie dough. Then me and my roommate talk for a while and then we realize it's 3am. and i still don't go to sleep until 4...! insomnia? restlessness? definately running on autopilot in some ways, to keep from going crazy from no time off. work. sleep. work. sleep. okay. now i'm just typing for typings sake. So, today, friday, in the hour before leaving work, i got real emo over 'brick' from the 'ben folds live' cd, and also after i got home, while watching 'the office' and again just a few moments ago as well while reading the last bit on justyn's blog. And that's fine by me.
Had to get some of that out of my system. And i'm sorry for not calling anyone lately. |
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| emily haines and the soft skeleton |
[Jan. 13th, 2007|01:47 pm] |
So, in the past week i've been obessed with an album by emily haines, of metric and broken social scene. A co-worker shared it with me. it's brand new and it's pretty amazing. very minimal and soothing and melodic. anyway, so i've been listening to it solid for the past two days and i just now go to her website to see if she's touring, and what do i find out? SHE WAS IN CHICAGO YESTERDAY!!!! And i was at home designing my website. and i haven't been to a show for so long, it would have been really exciting to see. the good news is that i'm a few steps closer to finishing the website...
bah. listen to the album anyway. it's good. |
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| vacationings & ramblings |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|05:49 pm] |
so, anything substantial happening lately? not really. i'm tottering between comfort/contentment, and the desire to tip the balance off a bit to keep things interesting... keep some emotional/psychological testing grounds open. Is that bad? I feel a bit on a fence-like. i could jump either way. vacation was nice. different than last time when i felt displaced in both kansas and chicago. I feel more "in" chicago, i guess. I got a call from another friend who is now engaged. he wanted to get out some buried secrets while it was still appropriate. That was nice. Also, I took some good pictures... I was really in a photo-taking mood this week.... i'll post when i get everything developed. Until then, just floating along.... balancing on my little fence for the time being.
thanks everyone who let me borrow their transportation. peace. |
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[Dec. 11th, 2006|02:24 am] |
look at this! these pics made me LAUGH OUT LOUD (the comics there are pretty funny too):
just wait till you see the monorail cat!
EDIT:just so you know, the pictures are constantly changing, so it might not be as funny.
soooooooo busy now.
but here's a poem i wrote on the train:
on his knees
keeled over the
subway bench. asking for
a cigarette. asking for food.
i don't have anything.
contentment seems to open
wide these little
emptinesses, in a lull,
curiosity pulling me
further in until it
all collapses
i can't contain it
can't ignore it
it walks up to me
asking for help
needs to be fed
like so much desire
yeah.
p.s. i bought a guitar! |
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